It's almost Friday and you need a good joke. How about a smart joke? Warning: I had to look some of these up before I laughed. I've hyperlinked to Wikipedia to help you out.

  • Yo momma's so classless, she could be a MarxistUtopia.
  • 3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes!"
  • What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
  • A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Do you have collateral?" The woman says "I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" She hands over the keys and leaves. The bankers and loan officers check her credentials. Everything checks out and they laugh what a fool she is. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
  • Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: "That's a little condescending."
  • It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. (Bonus joke: I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.)
  • Pavlov is sitting at a bar when the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh shoot, I forgot to feed the dogs."
  • An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "you fellas ought to know your limits."
  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. "You mean a Martini?" The bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • 16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman (NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN!)
  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  • Know why Polish airlines only fill half of an airplane for each flight? Poles on the right half of the plane are unstable.
  • Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.
  • I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
  • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

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